Spam on toast!

You can't truly understand just how maddening spam is until you've worked in the sex industry. How frustrating it is when you really, honestly do have to use words like "sex toys" "jack-off" or "my penis hurts after a big session" in an email?

Time and time again, my emails get sent to people's spam folders. And then... we can't even get a real spam filter, because we (obviously) need to receive sex-related emails, and if we get a filter, it'll filter those out! So it's just delete delete delete. If only there was a special filter for people like us.

Until then, there's this. Enjoy!

Smooches,

Eden

Porn Names

In the porn industry there is one major publication called AVN (Adult Video News). It is a monthly, glossy chuck of a thing that come wrapped in plastic for the protection of the public's eye. Like most magazines these days it is almost all ads although instead of ads for shoes & cars it is all for porn porn porn. And 90% of the time, I can't even open the damn thing because it grosses me out too much (I just don't like looking at women's faces covered in spooge..sorry), and I LOVE almost any magazine ever- as long as there are words and pictures.

Yes, I sell & make porn for a living (or at least that is part of what I do) yet I can't stomach most of what is out there. And while this magazine occasionally has some helpful articles (like the one the quoted me about lady-friendly porn, thank you very much) most of it is useless so I avoid it. But then there are days when I need to be reminded of the importance of being a feminist indie voice in the sex community so I pull out the mag to see what else is going on in the world of porn. And here are some random titles that are hitting the shelves of the porn store near you this month...

• Lusty Latina Foot Sex!
• Cousin Stevie's Pussy Party (anyone watch Family Business?)
• Squirt on my Black Cock
• Cum Beggars 5 (there already have been 4!!)
• AssWash 6

Good stuff huh? Makes our humble Special Delivery look like high art.

Anyway, the whole reason I started on this tangent is that my friend Dan sent me this link to an awesome list of 100 bad porn names to start my morning out. You can see it here... It is really very funny and oh so sad that it is not a joke.

And if you wanna know what is #1 on the AVN stocking guide for March 2007 here it is:
8 Simple Rules for Banging My Teenage Daughter 2.

oh yeah. That title just rolls off the tongue.....

xoxox
searah

Feminist Porn! Event Sat. Night!

Hey- if you are in Chicago and want to do something cool tomorrow night... check this action out!


WOMEN AND PORN:
How Women are Changing the Adult Film Industry from Behind the Camera

Saturday March 24, 2007
7:30 PM
Location- The Leather Archives and Museum
6418 N. Greenview
Chicago, IL 60626
$5 suggested donation
Attendees must be 18+

Featuring

"Hot and Bothered: Feminist Pornography" documentary screening and Q&A with
director Becky Goldberg

Synopsis: "Hot and Bothered: Feminist Pornography" is a rare and empowering look
into the pornography industry and feminist community to see how they intertwine
within the politics and poetics of female sexuality. It shows women who are
committed to making and supporting pornography that includes their feminist
values and will go up against an entire industry, stereotypes, and sexism to get
what they want. Who better to claim the adult industry for themselves than the
women it depends on?


Following the screening, there will be a panel discussion regarding women
filmmakers and perspectives in the Chicago adult film industry featuring-

Carolyn Caizzi-director of Early to Bed Productions "Coming Home", the upcoming
"Special Delivery" and other queer smut

And

Jack Hafferkamp-one half of the Libido Films production team (with partner
Marianna Beck) and former editor of Libido: The Journal of Sex and Sensibility.


Also, raffle prizes donated by Early to Bed, Sex-Kitten.net, and Libido Films!

Hosted and Moderated by Danielle Bastian

Sponsored by Early to Bed, 5232 N. Sheridan Rd., Chicago

A new addition to the Early to Bed porn canon!

Special Delivery!

You'll never look at your mail the same way again.

We at Early to Bed are tickled to announce our second adult dvd release, Special Delivery! Like Coming Home, its predecessor, Special Delivery is a sultry sex video that showcases real-life lesbians. Early to Bed teamed up with Chicago-based artist Carolyn Caizzi, director of the best-selling erotic video Turn Me Up Over and On and Coming Home, in order to provide audiences with authentic erotic imagery that is under-represented in the mainstream adult entertainment industry.

After a hard day's work packing up customer orders of vibrators, dildos, harnesses, and more from the local feminist sex shop, Deb Shooter's active imagination keeps on going... In this video featuring two real-life couples, both of Deb's fantasies begin with the arrival of a special delivery. In her first fantasy, Anja and Eva (who also star in Early to Bed Productions' Coming Home) open their package with much anticipation and don't even make it out of their living room before their clothes come off. In Deb's second daydream, Benito and Flora don't spare a moment before taking their new purchases for a test drive in the comfort of their dining room. Both of her fantasies move to a second sex scene and, in the end, Deb's imagination and day at work pay off. This DVD includes two steamy sex scenes with Anja and Eva, two hot scenes with Benito and Flora, and behind-the-scenes footage and interviews with the director and actors!


Special Delivery
2007
$29.95, DVD, 81 minutes, plus 20 minutes of extras.

Get your copy today!!

Welcome our new Carnal Consultants!!

We were blown away by the response to our call for Carnal Consultants!! I guess we shouldn't have... who doesn't want to test sex toys?!

After much blood sweat and tears, we narrowed down the talented pool to just eight Consultants! So let's let them introduce themselves!

Misty
I am 39 years old and have recently re-entered the singles scene. Since attaining my new solo status, I have been exploring untapped aspects of my sexuality. I received a gift at my divorcée party that was purchased at Early 2 Bed, and have been a great fan of their toys ever since. I am truly looking forward to incorporating the many Early 2 Bed products into my new repertoire and reporting back on my thoughts and opinions about them. I think it's so important for a woman to explore and enjoy her femininity, sexuality, passion, and curiosity. It keeps the wrinkles at bay.


Loretta
I am a recent college graduate seeking work in Chicago, and trying to find myself. I am a vegetarian atheist liberal sex-positive fun-seeking feminist. I enjoy the internet, romance novels, Italy, Long Island iced teas, and taking photos.



Mermaid
Mermaid lives in a pineapple, under the sea, outside of Chicago. She enjoys avocado sushi, her cat Sweet Gherkin, and dirty comics. Mermaid makes drugs for a living... the natural medicine kind.



Sex Toy Goddess
My friends call me the Sex-Toy-Goddess-Extraordinaire because I have such a reputation for being a sex toy fiend! I have an unquenchable thirst for all things sex-related, and have always maintained an insatiable desire to remain sex-positive. I relish the opportunity to help others on their journey to blissful happiness.



Anna
Anna is a validation junky. In addition to being a Carnal Consultant, she also writes for Dramanonymous.com, dykediva.com, centerstagechicago.com and does film reviews for theaspectratio.net. She uses quotation marks unnecessarily and spends entirely too much time justifying the artistic merit of limericks. You can contact her at banannarama01@yahoo.com.



Jack Hyde
Dude, straight but not narrow, outwardly reserved, inwardly crazy hippie free-love-thinker. Formerly a serial monogamist, now happily married. There's a rhythm deep inside of us, and we stay connected to it through sex.



Garnet Joyce
I am a 25 year old student studying to become a sex educator, or as I like to say, "a doctor of sex." I am a queer female currently living in Chicago with my wonderful genderqueer girlfriend. I dabble a bit in alternative porn and I am a huge fan of sex toys.



ELR
ELR has written for NewCity, Gapers Block, and The Machine Media. He spends approximately seventeen hours a day getting off, trying to, or thinking about it. The rest of his time is split between writing, tending to his pet rat, and having nightmares about work.

Stay tuned for toy reviews!!

Oh no, not " The OH in Ohio"!

Since I spend all my days thinking & talking about sex, I usually like my leisure time to be focused on things like drinking and Tudor women in long dresses. Last night though, mostly because of my love of Parker Posey, Danny Devito & Liza Minnelli, I watched The OH in Ohio knowing not much more about it then it had an awesome cast & was about orgasm.

This film is about a women (Posey) who is married to a man (Paul Rudd) and has never had an orgasm or even masturbated. At first I thought it might be a watershed movie in it's treatment of womens' sexuality and sexual dysfunction, and it had some choice moments (my favorite part being Liza Minnelli as a flamboyant masturbation goddess/teacher encouraging her students to "Value the Vulva") but quickly broke down and left me rocking on the couch and muttering "it's only a movie, it's only a movie".

When the idea of a vibrator is brought up in counseling the husband has a fit and Posey is horrified (this I am sure is not that unusual, sad but probably more common then I'd like to believe). She eventually, out of frustration, goes to a sex shop alone to get one. The women behind the counter (Heather Graham), after offering to take her in the back and solve her problem (so unprofessional!) wraps up a crappy plain vibe that has no packaging in a piece of tissue paper! I know this strikes closer to my home then most people's, but I was horrified that she didn't test it, or have any packaging on it! It looked like it had been picked up off the floor. I couldn't help but wonder if anyone working on the movie had even been in a sex shop in the past five years? Or ever...

Ok, anyway.... she gets the vibe home and after some weed and drinks she takes it for a spin. And then does it again and again. It was awesome. I was thrilled to see that they were showing someone love her vibrator! Oh but wait...the husband walks in on her and then LEAVES HER! MOVES OUT! Ok, yes they seem to have a complicated relationship, but to make the last straw be Posey having her first orgasm with a vibe and not his cock was just so sad. And such a sad statement about the way we look at women's sexuality. That he, throughout the movie, constantly blames his deteriorating mental health solely on her lack of orgasm is so depressing. When he confides in his buddy at work about the vibrator thing, the buddy is all for the idea... as long as you never leave her alone with the vibe. Aren't we over the whole "vibrators can replace men" thing yet? Are men (or any partner of a woman) so insecure about their worth? If a $25 piece of plastic can replace you, you must really suck at talking, sharing, massaging, cuddling, cooking and any of the like 10000 things that people can do better than sex toys.

Ok, so after her vibrator marathon she wipes the vibe off with a baby wipes and then slathers what appears to be lube onto the vibe and then puts it back in her drawer. Why why why would you put lube on your toy and then toss it in a drawer? This is when I started rocking...

Jump to a few minutes later and Posey is back in the sex shop to get vibrating undies when Graham convinces her she is Vibro-addicted and give her a pamphlet about some 12-step recovery program. And I know it is a joke, but can we please get over the idea that women become addicted to their vibrators and must be stopped?!? My god the women went 36 years without an orgasm, let her have a her goddamn fun without making it a pathology.

It all goes downhill from there when she puts the vibe down the garbage disposal (so wrong on so many levels...) and decides that slutting around will solve all her problems and be better than safely masturbating. Which it doesn't. Which you would expect because that is "bad girl" behavior and not to be rewarded.

She eventually falls for the troll-like but funny Devito and has awesome sex and lots of big orgasms, which is good and helped me to stop my muttering, but GOD they could have done SO much more with this movie. And when when when are we going to see a sex shop in a movie that actually feels like something akin to real life?!?!

ugh. I am so watching Lady Jane tonight...


xoxox
searah

(PS, if you have seen this movie you'll notice that I never mentioned the whole part where Rudd is screwing his teenage high-school student. That made it like two horrible movies in one!)

It's not easy being green... and kinky...

Until now, that is!!

So, without revealing too much about myself (I must remain shrouded in mystery!)... I need to begin this post by letting you all know that I lead a double life. It's true. I have another job; one that is nothing like my job at Early to Bed. Some might say it is the exact opposite job; others might not. But we're not here to quibble.

I got really excited today because, by some serendipitous circumstance, the two jobs have melded together in a delicious ouroboros, or maybe a yin-yang... but most likely one of those triangular recycling symbols.

You see, I very recently learned how to craft my own sturdy, strong rope by using plastic grocery bags! It's true! I learned this in my "double life" context, not my sex toy store context, mind you, but it sure set the wheels a' turnin! I thought: what an amazing way to bridge the gap between green and kinky! How can I tell this to the world at large, so they too can see the tremendous possibilities now available to us?

And then, I saw this:

Wednesday, March 28, 2007, 7:00 - 9:00 pm
Plastic Bag Rope Making Workshop
They breed beneath your sink and clog our landfills. Make those plastic
grocery bags work for you! Learn how to make rope and rope projects from
bracelets to hammocks. The rope is remarkably strong and the reuse message
even stronger.

Free and open to the public

at Mess Hall
6932 North Glenwood Avenue
(sw of MORSE on the red line)
Chicago

Phone: (773) 465-4033 on day of events
Email: messhall8@yahoo.com
http://www.messhall.org

Even if you aren't kinky, go to this! The guy who teaches it is fantastic, and hey, even the non-kinky among us can use rope, right? And you know you have mounds of those diaphanous bags fluttering around your house... learn how to actually use them!

Smooches,
Eden
-------------------------------------------------
For the other nerds like myself out there, a few statistics:

• Worldwide, an estimated 4 billion plastic bags end up as litter each year. Tied end to end, that's enough to circle the earth 63 times.

• According to the EPA, U.S. consumes over 380 billion plastic bags, sacks and wraps each year.

My mom says I'm a catch--I'm popular!

Remember that song? Hilarious. Hope I didn't just get it in your head.

I would like to bend your ear for a moment, if I might... or, I guess, bend your eyeball?

One of the most common questions we get at the store is "What is your most popular toy?" If you've asked this question, you know that we tend to skirt annoyingly around answering it... we use a lot of verbal fillers--um, well, you see--in order to find the best way to answer without answering. I know some of you find this vague and unhelpful, because often the response to our obtuseness is a rewording of the same question, such as: "Well, what toys have gotten good reviews?"

It is a legitimate question, for sure. Especially if you've never bought a toy before and are totally overwhelmed with the selection at Early to Bed! But the fact of the matter is, and what we are clumsily trying to convey, is that the chances of you wanting precisely the same toy as everybody else is about as likely as you being able to take a kidney transplant from the next person you see on the street. Hyperbole? Perhaps... but women's sexual responses are so varied and different--why would one toy fit everybody? Hence the wide selection available to you!

So why are some toys more popular than others? Why... advertising, of course! The Rabbit Habit skyrocketed in popularity after its cameo on Sex and the City! Now, that's not the whole story... there is something to be said for the quality of toys that are popular--myths do, after all, come from somewhere. But most toys are well-liked by someone, and every toy we sell has been tested by someone before it goes on the shelf (not each and every toy, silly... that would be unhygienic!) to make sure it is likeable and easy to use. We don't put crappy toys out on the shelves to trick you into buying something you don't want!!

So don't be fooled by advertising! We put toys out on display so you can feel the textures, see the styles, and test the vibration! What you see is what you get with toys, so your best option in choosing one for yourself is to really comb the shelves for one that appeals to you. And ask us questions, of course. We know a lot about our toys, and we are more than happy to answer any questions you have!!

But if, after all of this, you want to know what our best-selling vibrators are, here's a list. Just take it with a grain of salt!
1)Rabbit Habit (of course)
2) Silver Bullet (simple, classic)
3)Ella (a less expensive version of the Rabbit Habit)
4)Posh (a new one! sweet, pink, and silicone)
5) Gigi (the original g-spotter)
6) Tula (ergonomic g-spotter for sore wrists)

But please note: This is not a substitute for an actual consultation with a sex educator! :)

Smooches,

Eden

Ode to Greta

I met Greta last year in Vegas. At first she didn't impress me. The color was a little weird (sea foam they call it) and I saw her as just another bullet vibe. She sat alone in the Excalibur hotel while my partner & I had our fun on the strip. We ignored her even while we were in the room for days until I decided that as long as I schlepped her along, I might as well try her out.

And she uh.. was pretty f'ing awesome! I was impressed right away and I'll tell you why:

1- The texture. It is kinda hard to describe, but it is hard plastic but with an almost silky feel. They call is Soft Touch... I call it super yummy.

2-The tiny "tail" on the bullet. I love me some bullet vibs, but sometimes they lack a great place to hang onto them. This little extra piecce of plastic at the end makes it a little easier to not lose track of her when your hands are all lubey.

3-The removable jack. One of the most vulnerable parts of a bullet vibe is the pace where the wire connects to the control box (or vibe head). This eliminates a lot of frustration by connecting with a jack so that there isn't all that extra stress put on that connection. Plus that means you can switch it around with other similar vibes because like 99% of vibes with jack connectors are compatible.

4- The speeds! Not only does this have various vibe patterns, but you can also control the intensity of the vibration. Very personalized.

5- The Curly wire. Why don't more people do this! It seems so easy to get tangled up in the wires on bullet toys and this helps a lot. It is like a phone cord (remember when phones had those??) so it can be on the shorter size when "at rest" but stretches out quite a lot to reach... well, wherever you need to reach.

The day I got back, we added Greta to our all-star line-up and so far, she has been quite a popular lady, despite her possibly "don't" color.

Have an awesome afternoon.

xoxo,
searah

Sex Workers' Outreach Project!

In honor of International Sex Workers' Rights Day, The Sex Workers' Outreach Project is hosting a benefit party!

When: Saturday, March 3rd
9:00pm
Where: Crew
4804 N. Broadway
Chicago, IL
Cost: $10 donation
Attire: Soul & Funk!

Don't miss it!