Dual-Action Vibe Review!

White Nights Blissful Squirmy (AKA Huh?)
Review by Sex Toy Goddess

I always get a bit giddy when I see that Early to Bed has sent a package for me to try. The box arrived and I anxiously tore it open, wondering what pleasures awaited... This time, I was beyond ecstatic to find that I had received a dual-action waterproof silicone baby made from Doc Johnson. I put aside the fact that they called this stunner "White Knights Blissful Stormy." I ignored this silly name, you see, because this was my kind of vibe. It is a sophisticated looker made with a white plastic base, clear silicone (with nubs covering the surface) and silver beads in the rotating shaft. This was a vibe made for me. It isn't cutesy and pink and in the shape of an animal or a flower. It is simple and elegant. It was calling my name...

So, let's cover the basics before we get to what you really want to know. (No, don't skip ahead!) This silicone toy has a rotating shaft that can change direction on you with a quick hit of a button and its three-speed controller both rotates the shaft and vibrates the clit tickler. The whole thing is waterproof and has a wonderfully soft feel. As I said, there is nothing cutesy about this vibe. This is a vibe for those women who identify with their sleek and simple selves.

If you are new to the dual-action world- welcome!! There is no way to describe how fabulous it feels to have something vibrating your clit while your vagina is occupied as well. And in this case, you get to control how fast and even in which direction the toy oscillates! Bonus! While this vibe isn't marketed as one that you can bend on an angle for more intense penetration, it actually does have a lot of give. Don't bend it too much or too often, however, or you'll probably break it. Just keep in mind that there is some wiggle room, so to speak.

For those of you who have used dual-action vibes before and are wondering what the big frickin' deal is, well, this toy is for you. Now, I'm a big rabbit fan (You know the Rabbit, right? Made famous by countless TV shows? Good.), but one thing that has always bugged me about the rabbit was that there was actually, well, a rabbit on the toy. Seriously- why must I have an animal on my clit? (Maybe you'll remember my review of the Mini Bear Hug?) But this- this is a vibe that lives up to its promises and then some! The vibe is surprisingly quiet, stealthy even. It does get louder when you turn on the clit tickler, but as you increase the speeds on the vibrations it gets softer in sound . But, then again, you are probably getting louder by that point so it might be a wash.

I could go on and on about this vibe, and I probably already have. All I really needed to say is that it is FABULOUS!!!!

Review: Vibrating Cock Ring!

Crystal Ring

Review by Jack Hyde

Ah, vibrators, what a joy for women, what a disappointment for men. It's physiological, I suppose. A woman's higher concentration of nerve endings in the clit make a vibrator work wonders, but a man needs something to vibrate a much larger surface area to reach the same number of nerves. If only there were a way to make the entire penis vibrate...

Which brings us to the subject of this review, the Clearly Sensual vibrating cock ring (aka Early to Bed's Crystal Ring). This is a clear silicone cock ring with a loop sticking out from it that holds a small bullet vibrator. Would this be the vibrator that brought joy to men, too? I made a little time to find out.

They call it the Crystal Ring because every part is see-through. (Funny, it seems like they could make a whole line of products under that name, but apparently they stopped at a vibrating cock ring.) The clear silicone cock ring part looks more appealing than some of the weird fake-flesh colors these things sometimes have. The bullet and controller are also see-through, which is not as appealing. I'd sort of rather just let the technology work its magic without seeing what all is involved. But that's a minor complaint.

The cock ring looks small--like it's made for a finger, not a penis--but it stretches quite a bit. It's designed to squeeze the erect penis at the base, which is supposed to enhance an erection. And it did seem to make my erection a little fatter than usual--sort of looked like my penis was holding its breath.

According to the directions, you can put the vibrating part of the Crystal Ring above the penis for clitoral stimulation, or under the penis for testicular stimulation. Obviously, you'd want the under-the-penis orientation for clitoral stimulation in rear-entry positions, too. Since I started out by myself, I put the ring on with the vibrator in the down position. Then I turned it on.

Wow, I thought, I'm the bionic man. My penis had turned into a living vibrator.

As for how it felt, it was OK. The Crystal Ring did make the whole penis vibrate, and the testicles a little, too. It was pleasant, but not enough to get me anywhere close to orgasm. I got better results if I used a hand to press the vibrator against my balls. Still not something that would get me off by itself, but a nice accompaniment to normal masturbatory practice.

When it's time to take the thing off, watch out for pubic hair. If you're shaved, no problem. Also, careful with the fingernails. The ring is so snug that you (or your partner) have to be careful not to scrape your penis as you take it off.

So it was on to the next series of tests using the Crystal Ring as a couple. My wife, Mrs. Hyde, owns a vibrator, but it's not really something she uses that much (prefers her own hands or my whatever-part-she's-in-the-mood-for). She was slightly skeptical of the "cock ring that stimulates the clitoris" idea, having had poor results with such a device in the past. However, that one did not vibrate and did not turn her husband into the bionic man.

We got started, then I asked Mrs. Hyde if she was ready and turned on the vibrator. "Yipes!" she said. (She actually said something with no consonants that I'm at a loss to spell--but I think it meant roughly the same thing.) The lowest setting was initially too much for her, but after a minute she got used to it. We experimented with different speeds, but anything higher than the lowest setting was too intense. (But those higher gears are definitely available for those of you that want them!)

Then Mrs. Hyde really started to get into it. As much as I'd like to claim otherwise, I don't know if I've ever seen her that excited. My own sexual feelings and performance did not seem to be much different than usual. But it was very enjoyable to watch Mrs. Hyde get so breathless underneath me.

Guys, this is one instance when you need to give up the remote. The first time we tried the Crystal Ring, I just naturally took charge of the controller. But that meant that Mrs. Hyde had to route her requests through me. So we made sure she handled the controller thereafter.

The Crystal Ring is not a precision device. At the lowest and highest settings, the vibrator hums, but in the middle settings it gets sort of rattley and noisy.

The cock ring and bullet are pretty easy to clean up. The only tricky part is cleaning the bullet without pulling the controller into the sink. That and how to clean the controller--seeing the batteries right there really makes you pause before getting water near the thing.

So the Crystal Ring gets a thumbs-up from Mrs. Hyde, and a qualified thumbs-up from me. Great for use as a couple, OK for use for male solo sex.

Review: Havana Butt Plug!

Cuban (Butt) Cigar

Review by Loretta

I was a vibrating butt plug virgin.

I know; I love the asshole as much as anyone else. I am quite the experimenter, or so I thought-- I have had fingers, tongue, and even the Lil' Flirt in my own.

Alas, I soon discovered how empty my life was when I received Havana- an adorable vibrating butt plug. The plug has a hole cut in the bottom for a tiny bullet vibe, similar to the Early to Bed product Magic Touch Mini. Incidentally, that was my very first vibrator, purchased on my very first visit to Early to Bed. This made me feel incredible feelings of love towards my new toy. I didn’t really like my Magic Touch Bullet, if only because I had the hardest time tracking down watch batteries, but it still started me on my path to sexual discovery.

But I digress.

I enjoyed the Havana. I never really considered how my love of the vibe and my enjoyment of the butt plug could mesh, but it was quite an experience. I decided to use it while having sex with my partner. First, he went down on me, and then we had PIV intercourse. Sex with something in your butt is all about angles, I discovered. A bit of lube over a condom made the thing quite slippery, which is not great under some sexual circumstances. It takes some (fun) practice to keep it inside.

I have two warnings about the product. First of all, the vibe fits very tightly into the bottom of the plug, to the point that I have not been able to remove it. This makes clean-up a bit of an issue, especially if you choose not to use a condom over it. Also, sadly, I have already lost the bottom of the vibe. This is entirely my fault for not having a better place to store my toys. I am going to attempt to buy another Magic Touch Bullet or other similar product and try to use that as the vibe, but it's going to take a lot of elbow grease to remove the one that came with the Havana. If you lose your vibe, I can also suggest holding another vibe up to the bottom for some buzzing fun until you get a new vibe specifically designed to stay in the Havana.

I would recommend this for people of all genders. It is probably slightly larger than most people's first butt plug, but for anyone who is interested in the next step up, this is your toy.

Review: Blossom!

Petals of Pleasure
Review by Misty

When Blossom arrived, I was first impressed with how aesthetically pleasing she was. A delicate translucent pink with cascading, overlapping petals that very closely represent the real thing. I almost wanted to put it in a shadowbox and display it on my bedroom wall. Do you think that might scare some men away? Anyway, I digress. The shaft is small and has a nicely ribbed exterior for a little extra stimulation. Overall, Blossom is a very discreet vibrator that is great to travel with. You could even throw her in your purse. And this vibrator is waterproof and that's always a bonus. The other bonus was that this little gem came with 8, count them... 8, watch batteries. Blossom takes 4 to operate, so I was good to go. A word of warning on the watch battery operation... similar to bullet vibes, the watch batteries get hot, so use for too long is not advised and they tend to wear out very quickly. I had gone through all 8 batteries in under a week. And that was not with excessive use.

Now, overall I like the idea of a small, unassuming vibrator that has a little more to offer than a simple bullet vibe. But in all honesty, I have to say that the accoutrements (petals, and silicone-blend nibbed shaft) really didn't enhance my experience all that much. In fact, the design is a little less than ergonomic. The end that you hold (the dial controller that turns the vibe on and off) is beneath the petals and very small, so I found it difficult to grasp and manipulate for any length of time. My fingers started to cramp up pretty quickly. I suppose you could avoid this dilemma by having your partner use this little beauty on you, but would that be fair? Oh, who cares... that's what I'd suggest. Let their fingers cramp up, they aren't concentrating on an orgasm.

On the other hand, Blossom is nice and quiet, so if you are using her while traveling and want to be discreet, she's just the ticket. And you may not have to worry about being too quiet yourself, because the intensity of vibration wasn't much to get excited about. I suppose given the size and the fact that she runs on watch batteries I shouldn't have expected too much more, but for my personal taste, I prefer a little more oomph in my vibrator. It was a really close call which would come first... orgasm or dead batteries. Thank goodness I have a good imagination, so orgasm came in just under the wire. Now, given the choice between manual stimulation and Blossom, I'll take Blossom every time, but if I were going to spend my hard-earned money, I'd purchase something with a bit more intensity. Like that White Heat I reviewed last time... now that is a toy that's hard to beat! But if you're into a little gentler vibration and you have some extra watch batteries close at hand, Blossom's your gal!

And we're back...

...with another review!

It's been a busy summer, so we're moving slow on posting Carnal Consultant reviews, but here's one about a brand-new dildo at the store... check it out!

Orbit: Out of This World!
Review by Garnet

As some of you may remember, the last toy I reviewed left a lot to be desired. Thankfully, the folks at Early to Bed hate to disappoint. I was promised that they would try to send me a better toy the next time around and boy did they deliver! I had actually already read about Orbit in their newsletter and on their site. Orbit was a dildo that I had my eye on. He looked very promising. I loved the idea of the indicator on the base of the toy to let you know which way the curved head of Orbit was facing. I love g-spot toys, but it is always difficult to tell which way the stimulating head is facing when your hands are all slippery with lube and you’ve been going to town fucking yourself or someone else. Those buggers just like to twist around too much.

I had actually been planning on taking a trip to the store and buying this little guy, so you can imagine just how excited I was when I opened the box and there he was. I think I was actually grinning from ear to ear and bouncing a little in my seat as I pulled him from his packaging. I was excited, but I had no idea what was in store for me.

The first thing I noticed when I pulled Orbit out of his packaging was that he was not hard like most silicone toys I have come across. Orbit is made of a new material called VixSkin. It feels squishier but the toy is still firm. The creators claim that it feels like authentic skin. I'd hardly agree with that claim, but I do prefer dildos that feel a little more life-like. It makes me feel a bit less like I'm being probed and is less likely to hurt during the more sensitive times of my cycle. And since VixSkin is still silicone, Orbit is non-porous and can be boiled for complete sterility.

I first tried Orbit out on myself paired with my Hitachi Magic Wand. He felt great and the indicator really made it easy to keep him in place. The base was also very easy to grip on to from the position I was in. I was huffing and puffing away, feeling amazing, when my girlfriend decided she couldn't just stand around and watch anymore, and she took over Orbit duty.

Now I want to take a minute out here to explain just how this felt for me. Let me bring you back to another point in my life--a point to which I hope most men and women who enjoy sex with bio-males can relate--a point where I had a man with the perfect cock. It was only a three week affair, but it was filled with pillow biting, fingernail digging, screaming sex due to the most amazing cock I had ever come across. It was like his cock was made for my vagina. It wasn't the cock that is glorified in porn or advertised in those many spam emails as being able to make any woman fall in love. This cock was a little on the small side and curved downward and when he fucked me from behind there was so much pleasure screaming from between my thighs that I just had to vocalize it. I hadn't felt that in 3 years and now thanks to the wonderful folks at Early to Bed I feel it every time my girlfriend fucks me from behind with the Orbit. The perfect cock was not the perfect relationship, but now I can have it anytime I want from the woman I adore.

There is one downside to the Orbit. While it is harness compatible, it's a bit too short to work well. If it just had another inch and a half it would be able to reach my g-spot and not fall out so easily. Overall though, Orbit is a dream come true and I plan on blasting off regularly.

DVD Review!

Nina Hartley's Guide to G-spot Sex
Starring Nina Hartley with co-host Carmen Luvana
Melissa Lauren, Nicole Sheridan, and Voodoo
Lesbian and hetero content; safe sex; sex toys; informational.
Copyright 2005
79 minutes
Includes DVD bonus features
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"Don't I Just Have The Best Job?"
A review of Nina Hartley's Guide to G-spot Sex
by Mermaid

I put this DVD on in my living room during the middle of the day, turned up loud for the neighbors to hear.

In this guide, Nina Hartley first briefly tells us what the G-spot is and where to find it. Carmen Luvana is her host, helping to discuss common questions and ideas about the g-spot. In Nina's signature teaching style, she strongly emphasizes personal comfort, safety, and finding what's personally pleasurable.

Then, Nina brings out a true-to-life anatomical map. It's almost as big as a real pelvis. She puts her fingers on the map. We have a good idea from there. From my experience, most sexual guides stop there, at that point. They quit when you're confident enough to try.

This is entirely different. Nina doesn't just stop there. Nina Hartley is not a quitter! Nina Hartley wants you to be able to pleasure a G-spot as easily as you brush your teeth.

The scene changes. Nina Hartley is in a dimly-lit, purple room, wearing a PVC nurse's dress. She presents Melissa Lauren in medical stirrups. After giving Melissa some very stellar head, she opens her up with a vaginal speculum. Yes, you heard me right! I admit that I was a tiny bit afraid of this demonstration, but extremely intrigued. Nina's gloved fingers point exactly to the G-spot.

"See that little guy right there?" Fascinated, I saw that little guy! She also uses an anal speculum inside of her willing volunteer. I had never seen the inside of someone's ass before! Needless to say, I was taken aback and very impressed.

She then shows how to use a standard G-spot sex toy. This was an eye opener for me; I had tried this toy once before, unsuccessfully... it turns out I was using it too high up! No wonder it never felt right. I also learned that breathing/blowing on nipples makes them instantly hard. Thanks Nina!

After that, she straps on an attractive-looking red dildo. She demonstrates how to stimulate a g-spot with your dildo/cock. They shift through different appropriate positions for g-spot stimulation. This was also an eye-opener for me; I learned some very easy positions to better my chances of having my g-spot stimulated during sex. Later experiments on my part proved that these positions were gold.

Nina and Melissa continue to fuck impressively. At one point, Nina almost looks tired out but is determined to keep going. That's our girl!

Next, Nicole Sheridan and Voodoo roleplay how to communicate with your partner when you want to try g-spot sex. I love how everyone in this video seems to be wearing clothing they personally feel sexy in; Nicole is wearing an amazing black and red PVC gown with slits down the front. They talk, make out, use sex toys, and fuck with the comfortable ease of two people who are dating off-screen. (It turns out that they actually are dating/married!)


On the flip side:
- I assume that most people interested in g-spot sex are also interested in female ejaculation (if not more so!). After seeing impressive displays of jet streams from people in other porn movies, someone might mistakenly buy this video in order to learn how to replicate this skill... and be very disappointed. Nina only briefly brings up female ejaculation.
She informs the audience that the topic is worth going into in-depth at a later time.
She also notes that people shouldn't feel less sexy if their bodies don't female-ejaculate (a valid point).

I looked online and saw that she has a seperate video guide on this subject (Nina Hartley's Guide To Female Ejaculation). Aw, c'mon Nina... don't hold out on us now! I'm assuming the production company had a major role in making separate videos for the subjects.

- The bonus DVD features aren't very impressive.
When you click on "Bonus Scene" you're treated to a weird porn scene with a very greasy-haired guy with a stained shirt and a woman in a cheerleading outfit, fake breasts and razor-burned pussy. "Oh, you nerd!" she purrs at him during coitus. Pretty disgusting, huh? Even my porn-loving boyfriend was repulsed to the point of anger by this scene.

The "Gallery" is a slideshow presentation with "bow chicka bow wow" music and still-shot photos from the guide itself. Why not just watch the guide over instead of watching this?

The "Trailers" consist of previews for other Adam and Eve films; while entertaining, they're not clips for Nina Hartley-related movies. "Behind The Scenes" and "Interview With Nina" are mildly interesting at best, but mostly a snore if you're all hopped up and want something hot to orgasm to. Unless you get off on hearing Nina Hartley talk about "afro" hair-picks!

I personally think the DVD would be better off if these extras were left out entirely. Instead, replaced with information and demonstrations about female ejaculation! Or, at least, provide better porn than the Cheerleader and the Nerd scene.

In conclusion:
With the exception of the bonus features, this guide is well-worth watching; regardless if you're an anxious beginner or a fabulous sexpert. Leave your expectations of female ejaculation at the door and simply enjoy this informational, horny guide to enjoying sex.

Carnal Consultant Review

Remote Control Waterproof Bullet (AKA "Elizabeth")

Reviewed by Loretta

I was talking on the phone with my boyfriend one afternoon. His mind was elsewhere; I think he was daydreaming.

"Oh by the way, I got a new toy in mail."

"Oh?" he said, his interest clear. "

"Two words: Remote. Control."


From there I did not have his attention, because his daydreams now included a remote control vibrator in public places. The next time I saw him, I showed him the new toy. His eyes lit up like I offered him a winter holiday in summer. We immediately opened the package, inserted the 23 A 12 V battery (included) in the remote, and the two AAA batteries (also included) into the bullet vibe. The package showed a bored girl (they always look bored) with the antennae sticking out of her underwear, the person with the remote hidden away. I stuck the vibe in my underwear. It is smoothly plastic, but stayed in place rather well. After some foreplay, I handed him the remote. Visions of using this remote in grocery store, in the park, and in the movie theatre all flashed before his eyes. Then, he flipped the switch... And this vibe is loud! This is clearly not intended for public places. Sorry to ruin the fantasy. The package claims that the remote worked up to 25 feet away. We experimented, and it worked around corners, through walls and doors. Fun!


The downside to this vibe is this: There is one setting, and one setting only. For me, the vibe absolutely got me off, but I needed to move it around, play with the pressure on my clit. This goes against the design a bit: I cannot get off just leaving it in my underwear like the bored box model. The other problem was that a dab of Slippery Stuff- a lube I would want with me if I could only bring five CDs and one lube to a desert island- had the vibe no longer staying in place, which also seemed to defeat the purpose. All in all, this was a fun vibe. It can be awesome to be in a different room from your lover and have him or her in control of the vibrations. I have to admit, I was dubious to the claims on the box, but I now believe in remote control vibrators!

Carnal Consultant Review!

G-Rock

Review by Sex Toy Goddess

I was so excited to open my new toy--a G-Rock!!! I had always wanted a curved vibrator like this that is angled for both clitoral stimulation and also G-spot stimulation. What could be better?! Why ever leave the house, right? Wrong! I wanted so badly to love this vibrator... But it was just not meant to be. I tried, really, I did! But apparently this "ergonomically shaped for a woman's body" vibe wasn't shaped for MY body.

Overall, the look and feel is nice. It is made out of smooth silicone, which I love. It's a pretty lavender color, and is shaped like a cobra-head on one end. (Since I used to own a snake that part was a nice jog down memory lane. Ahhh... Just what you want in a vibrator--a memory of a reptile!) ANYWAY... The box touts it as being soft and flexible. My experience was that it was more floppy than flexible. And I don't know about you ladies, but when I want to come from a toy, "floppy" is not the first adjective I look for, you know what I mean?

The detractors for me far outweighed the positives. The mini bullet vibe they include is great in theory, but terrible in reality. It does nothing and you can barely feel it. So, this might be a nice choice for someone new into vibrators, or someone with an extra-sensitive clit who wants the hint of vibration, as opposed to say... feeling the actual vibration. Like, watching an IMAX movie about hang-gliding instead of actually hang-gliding in the actual air. Every time I tried to use this vibrator I would end up so frustrated that I would grab another toy just to finish the job. I was not impressed.

So, maybe my cunt isn't ergonomically shaped for this particular vibe. Maybe yours is. Maybe I'm just a size queen. Maybe you aren't. If that's the case, enjoy! :) But you might want to have your usual stash at the ready, just in case....

Carnal Consultant Review--Flogger Molly

Flogger Molly

Review by Anna Pulley

Flogging has been around forever--it's in the Bible (1 Kings 12:11) and had garnered quite a lot of hype even before Jesus got the party started by turning water into wine. It's surprising then that flogging as a form of inflicting pleasure gets so little attention. Part of this is due to confusing language--what's the difference between a whip, a scourge, a cat o' nine, a flogger, a cudgel? All do basically the same thing, (settle arguments with in-laws) yet all have drastically different intents and results.

Some people think you have to join a dungeon or have criminal tendencies to enjoy the benefits of a good flogging, whether giving or receiving, but this is not the case. On the contrary, the complex pleasure of enduring, witnessing, causing or sharing another's pain can be a pretty amazing experience. A much more gratifying kind of pain than, say, stubbing a toe or walking into a glass door, pain that you actually want (to inflict or endure) is a different beast altogether, a sexy beast, which is why floggers like Molly come in so handy in a pinch (or when you're tired of being pinched). A 12-inch mini flogger with 18 3/8 inch tails, Molly is a perfect toy for beginner flog-ers and flog-ees. Made with a very soft, supple and sensual leather, Molly offers a terrific pop, with little sting and almost no thud. (that sounds like a dirty Rice Krispies commercial)


A great genital or chest whip, mini floggers are kinder and gentler implements of skin sensation, meaning they won't leave irreparable damage, unlike riding crops or listening to a lot of Mariah Carey. In general, the more tails, the more bite a flogger will have, so mini floggers are good for testing out the waters of your pain tolerance. If you start slow and work your way up to it, you might be surprised at how much flogging you can handle (though try to avoid hitting bone, joints or organs). And as much fun as it is to flog solo (you decide which pocket to carry the black hankie in), the impact of the experience is best when more than one person is on board. With most kinds of erotic punishment, the symbolism involved in power play is just as important, if not more so, than the action itself. Molly's got the symbolism-- the smooth, taunting feel of leather raked over skin, the fringe benefits and a great sounding board. There's something really satisfying about the popping sound made during a good spanking, whipping or flogging. It's like having a gift card that endlessly renews. Mmm.


Molly's size is anything but intimidating for first-time floggers. Indeed, it's probably smaller than your average soccer mom's keychain and can be easily stowed and carried for impromptu punishment. I didn't even get questioned when I took Molly through airport security, though my 3.5 oz sunscreen was confiscated. Long story short, Molly packs a definite punch, but one that won't leave you reeling or knock you unconscious.

Carnal Consultant Review!

The Love Pacifier
Review by ELR

I was fairly drunk, sitting on the steps of a shuttered bar, shooting the shit with old friends. Joel is a long-haired truck driver from the North Side who shares an equal passion for Britney Spears and Slayer. Megan is a sexy, fat chick who periodically calls off her engagement to make out with everyone at the bar's open mic. Somehow, the conversation turns to sex toys and Joel gets all excited when I tell him about a cock ring I just bought.

"Oh shit, I think I've got that. Dude, you have got to come over to my house sometime and see my magic box. I've got this chest on top of my dresser full of shit like that."

Megan looks on, hanging jaw, incredulous. In part, it's because her off-again fiancee doesn't really feel comfortable with her having sex toys, definitely doesn't have any of his own, and certainly wouldn't invite his drinking buddies over to see them if he did. That's not all though. She's never heard any two guys talk about sex toys with one another, and, now that I think about it, neither have I.

It was a relief, like we'd found out we were both members of some secret clandestine organization that a lot of guys still didn't belong to. Joel and I compared whips and vibrators and cock rings and whatnot, but stopped short at butt plugs. Maybe he has one, or even some. I know I do, but I also know that I'm not going to bring it up, at least not if he doesn't first. Maybe, somewhere on this planet, heterosexual men talk about things they've bought just to shove up their asses, but I can't imagine such a place. There's something in the very idea of butt plugs that crosses the line in my mind from straight guy who knows how to get off to guy who is kinda gay. This was my first thought when I was handed the box for the "Love Pacifier".

My second thought, which came when I saw the packaging, was directly at odds with the first. In big, bold, Northwestern-purple letters on the front of the box, the word "Beginner". It's another kind of stupid, masculine trait of mine, but I took the word as a sort of challenge, like I'm not a beginner at nothin', and if I'm gonna shove something up my ass, then I'm gonna be able to fit ANYTHING up there! Remote controls, baseball bats, small mountains, Vroombas... anything will fit, nothing is safe!

So with renewed vigor, I took the Love Pacifier to my girlfriend's house and... I couldn't get it to fit. Not "I got it in even though I shouldn't have, and now I'm gonna be sore." No. I mean that I couldn't get it in, in that the probe was so wide at the tip that I couldn't get it inside me. I tried, my girlfriend tried, but try as we did, most of it remained outside my ass. Despite the fact that I really did have a beginner's ass, the toy's shape didn't help. Instead of a hard flared base to hold onto, the love pacifier was just a ball with a long, floppy rubber neck and a handle. Perhaps this would have been fun if I had more experience in this area, but as it was, it was kind of annoying and certainly not suitable for a lubed-up novice.

I like the idea of the literal term pacifier for a sex toy, but the corollary image of an infant's plaything squigs me out a bit. Perhaps the most joy I derived from the Love Pacifier had to do with the back story I imagined for the product, where an Xed out candy raver sticks a pacifier (a real one) up his ass to feel good during his trip, and decides to market it when he comes to.

Carnal Consultant Review!

Surprise Massager
Review by Garnet Joyce

It is no secret that I love sex toys. I own more toys than many people think one person should own. Not only do I have experience picking out sex toys for myself, but I'm always helping friends out as well. I consider myself to be a bit of an expert. So when I found out that Early to Bed wanted reviewers, I jumped at the opportunity. I could not wait for my first sex toy to arrive! When it finally did arrive, I could barely contain my excitement when opening the box and then fishing around through the packing peanuts to find... the Surprise Massager. A wave of disappointment went through me. This toy did not even look promising to me. The design is goofy. I've actually always wanted a bullet attached to a battery pack/controller via a flexible arm, but this one fits over your finger and that just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. It seems more difficult to stick out one finger than it does to just hold a battery pack. They try to make it easier by having a button on the inside where your finger is, but that just makes it more difficult. Imagine you're in the heat of the moment and you're about to cum and all of a sudden your finger twitches and you accidentally hit the button, it turns off, and frustrated, you lose your orgasm. It also came with a cheaply made silicone sleeve to put over the bullet. New from the package it already came with ridges in it, which are a great place for bacteria to nest. And then there was the name. Surprise Massager? Who thought of that? It conjures up images of mysterious high school cafeteria food (Tuna Surprise anyone?), not of anything I want to put on my clit. What is the surprise?

I tried to stay open minded. Maybe the toy makers were actually on to something with this toy. I wouldn't want to miss out on an opportunity for an orgasm just because I thought the design had some flaws. So my girlfriend found me some batteries, I popped them in, and turned this baby on. It was LOUD! I'm not a fan of loud vibrators, but I thought that maybe this at least meant that it would have power. I do not like weak vibrators; my tool of choice is the Hitachi Magic Wand. It turned out to be pretty weak and I swear that the part that fits over your finger vibrates more than the bullet does and the vibrations tickle. I first tried it on my girlfriend since she tends to be less picky about vibrators than I am. She complained that it would feel good for a second or two, but then just feel ticklish. I tried it on myself and while I am picky about what vibrators get me off, I can usually get myself revved up by anything that vibrates (cell phone in the undies anyone?). That was not the case from this toy. It just tickled and not in that fun sexy way. It was just annoying and loud.

I had really wanted to give it another try because I thought that maybe I could get used to it so I left it by my computer and every so often when I'd need a study break I'd try it out. It just continually disappointed. Even my girlfriend who is extremely easily turned on would shrink away and shout, "Don't touch me with that thing!" every time I got close to her with it. So what's the surprise? The surprise is that it's a vibrator that doesn't even come close to pleasing. It's not even a tease. It just does not perform.

Carnal Consultant Review!

White Heat

Review by Misty

You can't imagine my excitement when my new toy finally arrived from Early2Bed in it's discreet kraft box. I carefully unwrapped it and removed it from its package. It's called White Heat, a waterproof two-bullet vibrator for dual zone (vaginal and clitoral) stimulation. Well, I thought, you can't go wrong there. And the name turned out to be quite apropos...it was indeed white and it certainly got me HOT! It looked innocent and unassuming enough with its heavenly cloud-white exterior and it's silky smooth surface. No unnecessary ridges or bumps, no funky protrusions, no rabbit ears, no sparkly purple glitter, no wires or separate controls. This is a wonderfully self-contained piece. The multiple speed controller is just a simple twist of the end. I thought to myself, "White Heat and I are going to get along just fine."

As I removed White Heat from its packaging, I immediately noticed how lightweight it was, and when I realized that it only took two triple-A batteries, I was ecstatic. The lightweight construction is just perfect for those longer self-pleasuring sessions. No wrist strain, no aching forearm. I also took note of how flexible the toy was. It really bends and moves. And fortunately, I don't think you can break it...somewhat of an advantage over the real thing. You can really manipulate the location, reach, and bend of this toy. There simply isn't a spot you can't hit. Well, I'm guessing you might have a problem if you tried to wrap it underneath to the anal area, but I believe there are many other toys that would do that trick.

Much to my dismay, after unpacking this little beauty, I realized that I didn't have any triple-A batteries at my disposal. Alas, White Heat would have to wait. Once I secured the appropriate batteries, I wanted to put this little beauty to the waterproof test. I drew a hot bath and loaded up on the bubbles. A wonderfully erotic bubble bath scent, Moonlight Path, from Bath & Body Works, in case anyone is interested. I lit a few candles, put on some mood music and away we went. This little gem performed like a dream. Water- and bubble-proof it is. The intensity of the vibration was just right. Not too light, not too strong. The size was just right. Not too big, not too small. And the location of the clitoral stimulator was perfect, not too high, not too low. I felt like Goldilocks...I found everything "juuust right." And no pappa bear around to spoil my fun. The size and shape of the clitoral stimulator was great, too. It's really a simple design, just a large ball, but the size and shape make it easy to cover a lot of surface area without a lot of maneuvering. I was also pleased that the buzz of the vibrator was really minimal. Some that I've used sound like a plane coming in for a landing. Just a bit distracting when you're trying to get into a good fantasy. White Heat was nice and quiet, almost silent under water. And this toy performed just as well on dry sheets as it did in the water. Easy to grip, very quiet, and really easy to clean. I've been testing it out (on a pretty frequent basis...like every day) for almost three weeks now and I haven't had to change the batteries.

So, all in all, a rave review. White Heat has quickly become my favorite vibrator and I would highly recommend it. It's quite reliable for consistently achieving orgasm. If only it could give me a back rub, take me to dinner, and kill creepy spiders, I wouldn't even need a man. Alas, it can't perform all those tasks, so I'll keep looking for Mr. Right. Until next time...happy masturbating!

From Searah:

We just added this to our inventory! You can see it here... we're calling it Wilma...

Carnal Consultant Review #5

Thumbelina (aka "The Grinder")
Review by Loretta

My life in college was pretty awesome, sexually. Tons of time to masturbate, to kiss, and have raunchy sex. I even mastered g-spot orgasms! Those were the halcyon days of yore. Then, suddenly, they handed me my degree and told me to get lost. I moved back home, which is the not an awesome place, sexually. I am not from a big family, but there is certainly enough family to curtail any fun sexual exploration. I can see it in my mother's eyes, when she tells me that I can live here until I find a real job, what she really means is, "You may live here under the condition that I don't have to acknowledge your non-virginity." It's better than, say, having to sleep with a landlord to pay my rent, but not by much.

As a consequence, the number of times I get to masturbate in any given day has gone from 2 to 0.2. Nevertheless, I sent in my application to be a Carnal Consultant, thinking, "Oh Loretta, of course you will move out soon." It turned out to be a lie. I got accepted and received my first toy. I cradled it to my bosom, thinking, "I will get to use you soon!" This was another lie.
My masturbation time, as it relates to anything louder than my hand, is severely limited. These days, when I use toys, it's because I have a few quick minutes guaranteed. This is not the draw-a-bubble bath-and-listen-to-Marvin-Gaye masturbation; this is why-can't-you-all-leave-the-house-together-where's-my-Hitachi? masturbation.

However, I managed to empty the house one day. Thumbelina, you see, is not a toy for instant gratification. She must romance your clit. I started out by turning on the clit stimulating dial. "Oh!" I thought, "This is really nice." Then I turned up the other dial, the one that starts up the internal portion. "Oh!" I thought, "What the fuck?" As a dual-action vibe, Thumbelina has both an external clit vibration setting and a setting that twirls the inserted portion. I don't like this twirling setting; it's weird. I think it was trying to hit my g-spot but didn't quite make it, and it merely made my g-spot mad. "What are you trying to do to me?" cried my G, "This is not meant to happen, I am going back to sleep."

This is my first dual-action vibe. I have been eyeing them for a while and playing with them every time I go to Early to Bed, but I could never decide which to go with. The answer, it turns out, is probably one with pearls that move in a circle and not one that twirls the top. However, if the twirling is for you, go for it! It does what it does well, and the batteries I used (rechargeable) lasted for a long time, and stayed powerful. The vibration is strong but not overpowering and the soft nubs on the clit stimulator are beautiful! It's also wonderfully designed to fill you up and hit the clit at the same time, though at first glance, I thought it wouldn't work.

I do love Thumbelina, but I will probably not use her as a dual-action, rather just as a dildo/clit vibe... for now, at least....

Carnal Consultant Review #4

The Seaweed Is Always Greener in Somebody Else's Lake...

Review by Anna Pulley

Mimicking a tadpole curled up in a fetal position or a kind of provocative sushi, Snugglepuss is a dual-action, hands-free, soft vibrator made by Vibratex that purports to provide both g-spot and clit stimulation. At a scant 4 inches, Snugglepuss is an unassuming toy, one that could be easily stowed in overhead compartments, purses or next to your favorite Pound Puppy. To activate Snugglepuss, all you have to do is pry the head and tail apart and it vibrates automatically. A playful pink color, Snugglepuss is also U shaped, flexible and has textural nubs on its head and tail for extra stimulation. The tail end also has fins that snuggle against your puss, (though in my case they seemed to be reaching more towards my belly button) while the head goes up up and away toward the G-spot.

The vibration, if one can even call it that, was mute and ineffectual. I should note, however, that I'm the kind of girl who likes a lot of pressure. I prefer my vibes to emulate fire hoses. But even if Snugglepuss's vibration could stimulate my clit more forcefully than a gentle breeze, the placement of the tail made it impossible to feel anything, as it missed my clit entirely, nestling about half an inch above it. And I also couldn't feel any internal g-spot sensation. I tried placing the head further inside, thinking that would help the tail's placement, but as I moved it further and further in, the vibration cut out and then, after a few more uses, it broke completely, leaving me with two sad pieces of prawn-shaped rubber dangling by a thin wire. When I tried to reattach the head and tail parts, it would gurgle sporadically but would not ultimately go back together. The hands-free aspect of the toy was intriguing, and it definitely stayed where it was supposed to. I danced to not one, but two Justin Timberlake songs and walked around my apartment with Snugglepuss in tow.

While it didn't bring me anywhere near orgasm, it was a pleasant sensation and it was fun to masturbate while I engaged in other activities. I've also never masturbated standing up before (for fear of face-planting at climax). Another interesting aspect of the toy was that it didn't have any dials or buttons to mess with, which is great if you're lazy or have no thumbs, but not so great if you want the option of pumping up the intensity. In terms of maintenance, since the mechanical parts of the toy are internal, cleaning Snugglepuss was a breeze. All I had to do was wash the pink elastomer cover with toy cleaner and it was done. Didn't have to worry about damaging wires or getting the batteries wet. From a design point of view, Snugglepuss did conform to the contours of my body fairly well, but the awkward placement of the clit stimulating tail and the weak vibration trumped its ergonomic advantages. And then it broke, which trumped further experimentation altogether and left me blustery, fueled by indignation and Chai tea.

Carnal Consultant Review #3

The reviews keep rolling in!

Mini Bear Hug
Review by Sex Toy Goddess

Description: This is a miniature vibe--we're talking slightly longer than the size of a thumb, and not very wide. The bear is a purple color, and the black harness straps are plain with an eyelet trim. The harness straps add to the overall size, but it is still an itty bitty package. (Ok, I will admit, I could play a game of "Which hand is it in?" with this thing if not for the harness straps. It is small and I can wrap my entire fist around it. Not saying I have, just saying I could, mind you..) It uses two XLR44 size batteries. Two speeds--on or off. It is non-toxic, and phthalate-free, and the bear is made out of a jelly material. The straps are actually really comfy and seem to stretch easily enough to accommodate most body shapes.

I admit, I am always a bit leery of adult toys that look like they could be meant for children. However, I was pleasantly surprised by this little guy! The small size of this toy makes it an easy grab before traveling. The straps are very comfy (really---they are!) and it took about point 2 seconds to get him on. Once in place he liked to flip around a bit, which I was a tiny bit worried about--would he do what he was supposed to do while backwards or upside down? The answer is yes! It didn't seem to matter where he was facing, he was still hitting the right spots. (And, let's be honest... Who doesn't love a bear who can do tricks??!!)

This bear is perfect for partner play, in that you can wear him while being penetrated by toy or cock. He is very flexible and doesn't mind being mushed into just the right spot. (Awww.... Isn't that nice?) The buzz on this little guy isn't too strong or too loud, so he would be a good fit for someone starting out with toy exploration, or for someone looking for just the smallest amount of vibration on their clit. It could be the perfect antidote for someone wanting a smidge of direct clit stimulation during penetration! Using this toy is like going to see a sugary sweet romantic comedy. (Think Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts here.) You know exactly what you're getting before you go in. No surprises, and it leaves you feeling exactly as satisfied as you wanted to be--which is why you chose the movie in the first place!

**Warning--the package insert says you can insert the toy into your vagina or anus. I personally don't advocate doing this--it is made out of a jelly material and can probably tear fairly easily if used in this way. Just stick to the toys made for penetration, and use this on the outside.

Carnal Consultant Review #2

When we wrote Mermaid last week, frantically begging her to do a rush review on a new toy, she really stepped up to the plate! We were so impressed with her review that we are planning to carry this brand new toy, so keep checking back for Jollies--a new addition to the Early to Bed dildo family!

Jollies--the future is now!
Review by Mermaid

When I first saw this toy, I exclaimed, "Holy fuck!"

It looks complicated, and honestly, even intimidating at first glance.
I mean... it's a dildo with a finger hole/handle built into its complicated-looking base.
My first thoughts were, "What do I do with the... handle bar? Is it a... handle...?" and "Why is it shaped so weird?"

But once I read the user's manual for this bizarre device, the idea of putting it into my cunt became not only plausible, but also appealing!

This silicone dildo is specifically designed to emulate the inner anatomy of a cunt.
Its shaft has a smooth bump in it for ultimate g-spot pressure,
and the tip is angled slightly downward in order to politely rest underneath the cervix for a "filled" feeling instead of crashing directly
into the poor cervix (like some misdirected toys and cocks are prone to do).
The hole in its base doubles as a thumb hole for easier thrusting, or as a holder for a "bullet"-style vibrator.
Lastly, there's an external thumb-like structure with ridges on it for clitoral fun.

This toy is designed to be a main-stay on nightstands. It's the most multi-functional toy I have ever seen. It's basically multiple toys at once
without having to buy extra equipment; it's a dildo, g-spot toy, and clitoral toy.
Like an eager lover, it wants to please you in any way it possibly can. But this is no quickie; it wants to stay in your life permanently.
If this toy were a real person, it'd probably pay for your cab ride home afterward and send you flowers the next morning.

On the flip-side, this dildo's confusing appearance may repel people from trying it out. I imagine that size queens will be unimpressed by the Jollie's standard
measurements. Also, the brochure says it's strap-on accessible, though I'm not certain if the uniquely-shaped base is particularly ideal for a harness.
And, somewhat embaressing to admit; after my first time using this toy, I had to pee about 4 times afterward. I'll chock this up to the fact that the toy gives such a full, internal massage.

With my first test, I was amazed at how comfortably full it made me feel. It had just enough girth to make me feel filled up but not overtly or painfully so.
It was so unbelievably comfortable, I felt like I could roll over, stand up, and walk around my apartment with it still inside of me.
Thrusting was made easier with the thumb hole; I didn't have to strain my arm at all in order to fuck myself with the toy.

After I pulled it out, I felt very relaxed and balanced; like I had just had a massage instead of a fuck. It's not surprising that this toy was designed by a holistic practitioner. I can imagine this very zen-minded person trying to figure out how to align people's chakras and bring about world peace through vaginal penetration.

Then, I tested the toy with my boyfriend. We've had prior experience with dildos; he commented that the Jollie inserted faster than other toys we've tried.
He credited this to the fact that the toy is based off vaginal anatomy. He was also a fan of the built-in finger hole/handle bar, saying that it made
thrusting very easy. And when we removed the toy, he insisted that my cunt felt much more relaxed than it had been before.

All in all, despite its somewhat strange appearance, this is an extremely comfortable and satisfying ride.
It made me feel "full" at a nearly spiritual level; I had never used a dildo specifically designed after my own internal anatomy before.
It was like meeting my sexual half. I will continue to use this toy whenever I desire sexual-spiritual fulfillment or just a good internal workout.

Carnal Consultant Review #1

Well, we sent out the first wave of products to our Carnal Consultants, and the reviews have already started to trickle in! I hope to post one every week or so... stay tuned!

Our first review comes to us from Consultant Jack Hyde! He reviewed the DVD Chemistry, Vol. 2, which is available on our website and in the store! If you like what he has to say, come by and check it out for yourself!

Chemistry, Vol. 2
Reviewed by Jack Hyde

I really liked Chemistry, volume 2. It offers an antidote to most but not all of the problems with the typical porn flick. The women have real bodies. Each of the five women has a different look, but they're all so much more attractive than the surgically-enhanced blonde bimbos that populate most porn movies.

There's no storyline to get in the way of turning you on. I have yet to see acting in a porn movie that doesn't make me cringe and skip to the next sex scene. The sex scenes in Chemistry are interspersed with interesting discussions among and interviews with the cast. I really enjoyed getting to know these porn actors better through what they had to say, and it enhanced my enjoyment of the sex scenes.

Oh yeah, the sex scenes, the raison d'etre of any porn movie. Hot, hot, and hotter still. Why? Because of yet another divergence from typical porn: the actors are really enjoying themselves. The only thing that annoys me more than fake boobs are fake orgasms. And Chemistry had none of either (as far as I could tell). I guess letting the actors choose whom they work with and what they do might naturally lead to everyone loosening up and enjoying themselves. And seeing people having sex and enjoying it is the ultimate voyeuristic turn-on.

I think there's something primal about watching other people have sex that's supposed to turn us on. Probably back in cave man days, before morality patrols, there were big group orgies all the time. But I digress.

One other aspect of Chemistry that I really liked was the soundtrack, or lack thereof. When people were having sex, that's what you heard. The sounds of lovemaking are just as sexy as the sights, for me anyway, so when a porn movie drowns out or even replaces the sounds of sex with music, it leaves me disappointed.

As much as I liked Chemistry, volume 2, it still had some problems. Two of the three guys looked like their muscles may have been chemically-enhanced. Granted, their dicks were proportionate to their bodies, so their builds might just be the result of hours in the gym. But they looked like the male equivalents of the blond bimbos in most porn flicks. However, this is a prime example of not judging people by their looks, because in the discussions and interviews the two guys come through as likeable and interesting.

Another problem was the cum shots. That's the conventional porn ending to any scene involving a man, and Chemistry did not break the mold. What was really disappointing was that midway through the first scene, which was one of the best, the woman asks the man to come inside of her. But he forgets or something, and the scene ends with him pulling out and coming on her butt.

It was funny. When I started watching Chemistry, volume 2, I was so enthusiastic about the premise that I started looking forward to watching volumes 1 and 3, too. But by the time I had watched all of the first disc and most of the bonus disc, I had grown so attached to the actors that I had changed my mind. I couldn't imagine liking another group as well--watching some other Chemistry group seemed like cheating or something.

But then I watched the preview of volume 3 on the bonus disc--very sexy. I may have to risk my imaginary relationship with the actors of Chemistry volume 2 to have a fling with volume 3.