Carnal Consultant Review!

Surprise Massager
Review by Garnet Joyce

It is no secret that I love sex toys. I own more toys than many people think one person should own. Not only do I have experience picking out sex toys for myself, but I'm always helping friends out as well. I consider myself to be a bit of an expert. So when I found out that Early to Bed wanted reviewers, I jumped at the opportunity. I could not wait for my first sex toy to arrive! When it finally did arrive, I could barely contain my excitement when opening the box and then fishing around through the packing peanuts to find... the Surprise Massager. A wave of disappointment went through me. This toy did not even look promising to me. The design is goofy. I've actually always wanted a bullet attached to a battery pack/controller via a flexible arm, but this one fits over your finger and that just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. It seems more difficult to stick out one finger than it does to just hold a battery pack. They try to make it easier by having a button on the inside where your finger is, but that just makes it more difficult. Imagine you're in the heat of the moment and you're about to cum and all of a sudden your finger twitches and you accidentally hit the button, it turns off, and frustrated, you lose your orgasm. It also came with a cheaply made silicone sleeve to put over the bullet. New from the package it already came with ridges in it, which are a great place for bacteria to nest. And then there was the name. Surprise Massager? Who thought of that? It conjures up images of mysterious high school cafeteria food (Tuna Surprise anyone?), not of anything I want to put on my clit. What is the surprise?

I tried to stay open minded. Maybe the toy makers were actually on to something with this toy. I wouldn't want to miss out on an opportunity for an orgasm just because I thought the design had some flaws. So my girlfriend found me some batteries, I popped them in, and turned this baby on. It was LOUD! I'm not a fan of loud vibrators, but I thought that maybe this at least meant that it would have power. I do not like weak vibrators; my tool of choice is the Hitachi Magic Wand. It turned out to be pretty weak and I swear that the part that fits over your finger vibrates more than the bullet does and the vibrations tickle. I first tried it on my girlfriend since she tends to be less picky about vibrators than I am. She complained that it would feel good for a second or two, but then just feel ticklish. I tried it on myself and while I am picky about what vibrators get me off, I can usually get myself revved up by anything that vibrates (cell phone in the undies anyone?). That was not the case from this toy. It just tickled and not in that fun sexy way. It was just annoying and loud.

I had really wanted to give it another try because I thought that maybe I could get used to it so I left it by my computer and every so often when I'd need a study break I'd try it out. It just continually disappointed. Even my girlfriend who is extremely easily turned on would shrink away and shout, "Don't touch me with that thing!" every time I got close to her with it. So what's the surprise? The surprise is that it's a vibrator that doesn't even come close to pleasing. It's not even a tease. It just does not perform.